Do you know the difference of guilt vs. shame? We feel guilty when we are responsible for something that went wrong. A mistake or an accident. We feel shame when we believe there is something wrong with who we are. Our culture struggles to separate the two.
If I cheated on a test, or caused a car accident, or step on someone’s foot, or use unethical business practices, I am guilty. I am responsible for the damage I cause to a someone else, to an industry, or to myself. All of these things are outside of who I am as a person. They may have been intentional or accidental and if I am help accountable for my actions, I am responsible for making amends and correcting the error. Being guilty or feeling guilty is the mechanism through which we as human beings identify where justice needs to be served in order to repair something that was damaged (even if it is just an apology for stepping on someone’s foot).
If I believe I am worthless or a bad person or an idiot for a mistake I made, then I am feeling shame. Shame is a commentary about being flawed as a human being. We shame others for for who they are, what they believe, and actions they take. We shame ourselves for being inadequate, unworthy, or unlovable. We are not good enough. If I am feeling shame then I am stuck. It is difficult or impossible to be something different than who I am and shame keeps me in that stuck place.
The dilemma is our culture swims in shame. We use is almost universally in addressing conflict with others and ourselves. Guilt and accountability allow us to look at problems that have potential solutions. Shame keeps us stuck and prevents us from resolving conflict. Understanding the difference between the two is critical in creating a healthier environment in resolving conflict (criticism vs. complaint).
Pay attention when you are speaking to yourself and others! The guilt vs. shame statements make a big different! “You should know better!” and “What were you thinking?” are shame. “Ouch that hurt!” and “I didn’t study enough for that test” are guilt. This is such a pervasive problem in how we communicate on the news and on social media and with each other at work and home that ANY reduction in shame will make a difference. The solution to shame is empathy. Being able to understand someone’s perspective without being judgmental. Where are you using shaming statements? What is one step to take to reduce them? – www.rhoadscoaching.com
finding meaning and purpose in daily life
professional basis for individuals or for groups and businesses.
generally common knowledge that can be agreed upon. I wear glasses. Or I am a certain height. Or I hold a specific position in a company. I am a fan of a certain team based on the jersey I am wearing. It is easy to do something with this information as it can be used by everyone. If you are in the arena, generally everyone can see what is going on.
public event. We all have blind spots to who we are personally, professional, emotionally, and relationally. There is a BENEFIT to knowing that the car in the other lane on the interstate is in your blind spot before you change lanes! There is a BENEFIT to knowing you have something in your teeth before giving a presentation. Knowing allows you do something to fix it! The intent of this quadrant is to find someone who is willing and able to give you accurate feedback. What if the feedback you received during your next annual was viewed as someone trying to HELP instead of attack who you are? We can grow as individuals if we can accept help in being shown the things about us that we can’t see for ourselves.
under the water at the pool so no one knows it is there. It may be easy to hold the ball underwater for a while. After a while though it takes a lot of effort to keep it submerged. Our secrets are like this! We have to hold onto them all the time! There is a BENEFIT to not hiding certain things about ourselves. This does not mean being completely transparent. It isn’t safe to tell everyone all of your deepest hidden information. But having a trusted friend or mentor to disclose information to can be a relief and allow you to observe yourself in a different way!
ourselves. Places of who we are on the inside that we have never had a chance to develop or explore. This could look like the painting class or guitar lessons we take for ourselves once the kids are out of school. Or an unresolved fear that has haunted us our whole life. It takes a certain amount of courage to be willing to explore this unknown, and sometimes dark, place in ourselves. The rewards for digging into the unknown areas of who we are can have tremendous BENEFITS! A new skill. A new perspective on life. A release of something we didn’t know was holding us back.
specific stream, or understanding which berries are safe to eat and which ones aren’t, are critical to survival! For life threatening situations a firm decision of “YES, GO!” or “NO, Don’t do that!” allow us to navigate through the world safely. We would not exist if this pendulum did not function.
